2023: Goals Assessment
I failed a lot in 2023. It would be easy to hide that fact, to shy away from it and the numbers below can shield my ego from that fact if I wanted.
The truth is, I set out to do a lot of things at the beginning of the year and I failed at about half of them. Some were big projects, others small. If you were to look at my material circumstances between last year and this year, not much would have changed. But there were bigger changes a foot and these failures tell a story about what I really cared about and what didn’t matter.
But first, a note about failure. Over the years, I’ve had conversations with people who think this practice of assessing my goals and calling things failures is too harsh. That I’m holding myself to too high a bar, and posting in public adds insult to injury. All that can be true, (though I don’t agree), and still I’d believe that the practice is worthy.
Accounting for failure is a factual thing. I either completed the goal, partially completed, or missed the mark. Those are just facts and I can feel any which way about them, but my feelings don’t change the facts. I don’t need to shield myself from the facts and I’ve found that when I do, I don’t learn as much. I set goals because I want to understand myself, improve my skills, and discover more about the world and how I work. If I don’t assess myself at the end of all this, I can’t see as clearly where I can improve.
Over the years, I’ve also discovered that failure is *interesting.* It means that things went wrong, that my model of myself was mistaken, or that there were unpredictable changes that occurred. These are critical learning opportunities!
2023’s biggest lesson:
Above all other things, one of the hardest pills to swallow this year is that hubris and heartache killed my energy this year and I was helpless to stop it. Going into the year, I was riding high on being able to do it all, but four unpredictable forces blew up most of my year: A new job, new responsibilities in my community, a painful relationship end, and inflammation issues that I had to address with big lifestyle changes. The odds were stacked against me and I didn’t quite overcome them to my satisfaction.
And you know what, that’s okay! It’s actually delightful!
What a gift! To be given a year that was so wild and untamable that even my hard-won patterns couldn’t overcome them.
And what a gift it was to look into the face of past Christo, who defined these goals and to so many of them say, “You cannot know what has happened this year, so I defy you. My heart cannot stand it and my heart is led to new destinations. The future you predicted will not be.”
Failure is one of the great teachers and I’m so glad to have found it in 2023.
Now, onward to the assessment.
The Successes
Chronic Pain Handbook:
My goal at the beginning of the year was to complete the chronic pain handbook. I wanted to write about all the things beyond a physician’s care that people could do for chronic pain. It took me years to assemble the list and try these various techniques, but they do work at creating space for people in pain.
As it stands now, I spent all of November writing the first draft of the book, (over 50,000 words written). There is much that remains, but the foundations are built and the framing is complete. After a month of not focusing on the project, I am feeling renewed interest in the writing. It still needs the resources section for each chapter to be written and then a full overhaul and revision. I anticipate working on this in the new year and hope to have a published book in Spring!
This is a partial success
Congruent Consulting:
I did work with Incluu and a few coaching clients throughout the year. I did not pursue this heavily, but it brought in some income. I remember day dreaming in my early twenties about bringing in extra side-hustle money and now I’m able to do that.
This is a success!
Regular Sacrifice: I wanted to do the orthopraxy of regular sacrifice to the gods. I did about 6 months of sacrifice at the end of last year into this year, then had regular ritual sacrifice on holy days in the wheel of the year and a few moments where I gave simply out of gratitude.
This is a success.
Wheel of the Year: I celebrated each turn of the wheel this year, often with a ritual event of some sort. This was really just nice and meaningful. I plan to do the same again next year.
This is a success!
Paganism: I read several books on Hellenismos, practiced several formal rituals. I’m ending the year by reading and practicing ancient and modern pagan prayer.
This is a success!
Buddhism and meditation: I do weekly meditation sessions and fairly regular morning meditation. I also had a stint in September doing breath work, and took a class on Buddhism and relationships that cracked my heart right open. My interest in Buddhism waxes and wanes regularly, but I find myself continuing to return here.
This is a success!
Regular Prayer: Most all of my prayer this year was in the form of ritual prayer. I didn’t end up establishing a daily practice, but maybe that’s okay! This is something I will continue to develop and explore in the coming year.
This is a success!
Journals: I have v0.3 of the journal on my desk with corrections, ready for editing. I intended to have this live by the end of the year but really believe this could be squared away with about 10 more hours of work.
This is a partial success!
Keyboard and Music: I dug in hard on keyboard and have been playing nearly every day for 7 months. I also have worked through one music theory book and am slowly digging into learning Ableton and will be adding finger drumming to my list of music activities next year.
This is a success!
Balisong Tricks: I can do a combination of about 5 tricks in a row. I really enjoyed this little exploration!
This is a success!
Vocal Training: I did some vocal training and practice speaking lower in my register and want to continue exploring this next year. I’d like to do some voice recording and may combine this with some poetry reading.
This is a success!
Weird Workouts: I have a standard Bulgarian Bag workout I do, but had trouble finding a place that would sell me the right size tire for cheap and decided I needed an expensive sled with wheels based on how cruddy my drive way and street are.
This is a partial success!
Failures
Chronic Pain Coaching: I intended to finish the handbook, market to more clients, build an evergreen course and start a podcast on pain. As of December, I only have a first draft complete of the handbook.
This is a failure!
Why it failed: My biggest psychological barrier was being in a fair bit of pain myself. I told myself a story that if I am back in chronic pain, the information I’ve learned can’t be helpful to other people. This is nonsense, but they story of a triumphant pain survivor was more palatable to me than a fellow grinder.
I also admit that my interest in this project has waxed and waned over time. It’s a heavy emotional subject for me and I haven’t found a way to avoid some of that heaviness.
War Mind Fight Club: I did not end up getting my mats fully installed in my garage due to a roof leak.
This is a failure.
Why it failed : The roof leak was a huge and expensive blocker.
Dry Needling: I did not do this.
This is a failure.
Why it failed: Lack of knowledge and confidence. If I did a dry needling class or course in person, I’m certain that I would be interested in doing this more.
Spoken Word Album: I am currently working on this but I have not made tons of progress. I have several poems written and I am learning the music production skills to record and edit this, but it’s just not their yet.
This is a failure.
Why it failed: I didn’t devote much time to it and I felt heartbroken and stuck and uninspired for a large chunk of this year. That’s okay!
The Rules of Alchemy
Heartache and lack of inspiration slowed this project down this year. I wrote a 4th rule of alchemy in the fall of this year and intend to write more.
This is a failure.
Why it failed: Heartache, mostly. I found myself blocked and unable to write or complete anything for a big chunk of the year.
**100 blog posts: I won’t hit this mark this year. I’ll net somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 or so blogs by end of the year.
This is a failure.
Why it failed: Heartache, too
Poem and Monologue Memorization: I intended to memorize some poems and monologues this year, but I didn’t actively memorize any. This is a failure.
Why it failed: I love language, but this year was a year of spirituality and a year of dealing with physical and emotional pain. I just didn’t have the motivation to create space in my heart and mind for more words. My mornings were slow and trudging, not soft and light like they have been.
Overall score:
Successes: 10
Partial successes: 2
Failures: 7
A Final Reflection:
When I look over the successes and failures I had this year, my eyes see a simple pattern. Ignore the stuff about knife tricks and weird workouts. Ignore the memorization and dry needling. See instead the focus on the spiritual life, both the interior and the exterior. When so much in my life was disrupted, I did something I’ve not done in my adult life: I contextualized myself. I dug in on mindfulness practices and worked hard to position myself into a properly-sized being in the world: these big heartaches and career struggles are banal compared to the bigness of the gods and non-beingness of the self. So instead of forcing the creative work, instead of trudging onward with career development that I just didn’t have the heart for, I paused a while and reflected on the movements of the seasons and everyday divinity around us.
I like that this makes me seem wise, but in reality, it was barely voluntary. When your body defies you, your heart is broken, you’re under pressure from your job, the only two remaining moves on the table are dissociation or deep association. If you decide to keep reading, I want you to keep this in mind when you read about all the unplanned activities of my 2023. Read between the lines and see a man who’s doing his best to locate himself in time, space, history, to pin himself down a bit so he can prepare for the next big changes in his life. I didn’t know I was doing it at the time, but it’s exactly what I needed.
