Into the Wading Pool
Let’s dip our toes in. This end of the pool is shallow, but there is a lot that we can learn from it. Let’s get comfortable with being wet before we start to think about how to swim.
Back before I turned 30, I began looking at lists of goals. I wanted to know, “What should I have accomplished before I turn 30? And what should I be trying to do in my 30’s?” (Notice that word “should.” The meaning and mechanism and power of that word is one of the objects of our study but we aren’t ready to take it on directly yet. I need to come at it laterally, or else we won’t know what to do with it once we’ve caught it.)
The Before 30 lists are all bland. They advise you to travel, learn to cook, establish a 401k, read more, and take care of your body. I wish I was kidding. The Before 40 Lists aren’t much better: manage stress, say “no” more often, do a yoga retreat.
What’s going on here? Why do these lists do so little to inspire?
The Good:
These lists describe behaviors and outcomes that are enriching and beneficial to most people. If you don’t know how to budget when you are 30, there are clear benefits from learning to do so. (Notice here that benefits are part of the “should”).
These lists are hygienic lists. They tell us how to take care of ourselves. They are the equivalent of “don’t eat junk food, drink more water, get consistent sleep.” I’m not inspired by brushing my teeth, but I don’t have to be in order to be motivated to do it.
The Bad:
The lists don’t tell us “why.” Why should we travel? Why should we do a yoga retreat? What will that do for us and why is that important? What will be absent if we don’t do that? And why is that absence a negative?
They don’t begin to answer a real question: what should I be doing with my life? Instead they give the false impression that you should be checking boxes off, and once you have, you’ve arrived. Life complete. This is dangerous, because it can delude us into thinking that once we know how to budget and meditate, we will have arrived. It’s dangerous because it can cause us to avoid the hard questions around meaningful work, around worthwhile relationships, and a fertile spirituality.
So what would a better list look like? And why is it better?
1) Learn to be intimate with others and with yourself. Sure, sexual intimacy, but vulnerable, open, honest communication about what inspires you and what scares you, too. This will create some heartache and it will also create belonging.
2) Pray to the tiny gods, benevolent and capricious alike. Praise the bamboo that has invaded your yard. Sing hymns to the oil and garlic. Write poems for a cute girl’s freckles. Thank the moths for the holes they eat in sweaters. Venerate the papercuts, the pimples, and the mosquito bites.
3) Listen to the wrong music, watch unusual plays, read weird books, and chat with strange people. Encounter the Other and be changed by it.
4) Make explicit room for nostalgia and novelty. Reread your favorite book, and try out a new food. Let the old be beautiful along with the new. Keep the traditions of the ancients, and be sure to invent your own.
5) Do projects, start businesses, fund investments, create rituals with your friends and family. Be ready to burn it down when it gets messy, but make time for the post mortem and practice the cycle of rupture and repair.
6) Find your edge and push beyond it. Spar one more round than your heart can stand, take those psychedelics, risk that new job assignment, kiss that potential lover.
So what’s different here? It’s not that my list is prettier. (It is. Thank you.) It’s that my list is closer to things that have intrinsic value, things that feel richer, more worth it. (There is it again! Our quarry!)
The Before 30 and Before 40 lists consist of outcomes with high utility. They are useful goals. Even the more meaningful things are expressed in a context and a way that makes them into tools. You meditate because it makes you less stressed, not as an activity worth doing in itself.
Another interesting thing, the Before Lists are specific, my list is more a set of principles. Some of this is a cheat of writing. I’ve clearly cherry-picked my Before lists and could have chosen a more principle-oriented list. The Before Lists are prescriptive, they tell us what to do specifically, my list tells you generally what to do, but doesn’t prescribe a specific action.
That’s enough wading for the day. We’ve dipped our toes in, but there are more depths to plumb here. I’m deeply curious about the word “worth” and wonder if it’s possible to write an inspirational Before List. I’m also curious whether completing the hygienic Before Lists are pre-requisites to inspiring “worth it” goals, or if they are completely unrelated to each other. So much more to learn here!
