Fear

I’m afraid to chase my dreams because I might fail

I’m afraid of my life meaning nothing to me

I’m afraid of never being someone important

I’m afraid of my hopes will be squelched by those more powerful than me and mine

I’m afraid I won’t be able to save my wife if she gets sick

I’m afraid of missing out on the pleasures this world has to offer

I’m afraid of losing my job

I’m afraid of never being enough for the people around me

I’m afraid of growing old

I’m afraid of losing everything I’ve gained

I’m afraid that everything I’ve gained is chasing after the wind

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It is a vulnerable thing to lay bare my fears. Once written down, they seem simple, obvious, and banal. Of course I’m afraid of losing my loved ones, of course I’m afraid of the Other, the boogeyman out there waiting to take everything from me, and of course I’m afraid of dying. Who isn’t afraid of those things?

And yet, it took a modicum of courage for me to write, and now publish, these fears out there into the world. Maybe first among those fears ought to be, “I’m afraid of being judged” or “I’m afraid of being weak” or some such.

And yet, I feel relieved. Those fears, unspoken and unnamed have now have words attached to them, have names. And demons once named can be tamed and banished. Fears once revealed can be conquered. Fears can be channeled. They can be turned into work horses, into engines, into machinery, into fuel, into sustenance.

Yes! What if you don’t pursue what you care about?! What if your wife grows ill and you cannot help her?! How will you address these unstoppable problems?

Sit down, young man! Toss these fears into the cauldron, cook them and make a meal of them. Let them feed you. Tell others of your luscious meal, share recipes and host potlatchs. Gobble down the gruel and gumbo of fears revealed.

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I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.